Quotes on Sex "My girlfriend always laughs during sex --no matter what she's reading." Steve Jobs Founder, Apple Computers "Don't knock masturbation — it's sex with someone I love." Woody Allen "Lord, grant me chastity and continence... but not yet." St. Augustine "I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy." Tom Clancy "You know "that look" women get when they want sex? Me neither." Steve Martin "Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand." Woody Allen "Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night." Rodney Dangerfield "There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL." Lynn Lavner "Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope." George Burns "Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant." George Burns "Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships." Sharon Stone "My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch." Jack Nicholson "Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet." Robin Williams "Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself." Roseanne "Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place." Billy Crystal "According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful." Robert De Niro "There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?" Dustin Hoffman "There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked." Jerry Seinfeld "Sex alleviates tension. Love causes it." Woody Allen "See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time." Robin Williams "My family never raised me to have a vagina." Roseanne "An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex." Aldous Huxley "Did you ever notice the people who are most adamantly against abortions are people you wouldn't want to f*#k in the first place?" George Carlin "Of the delights of this world man cares most for sexual intercourse, yet he has left it out of his heaven." Mark Twain "One half of the world cannot understand the pleasures of the other." Jane Austen "Sex concentrates on what is on the outside of the individual. It's funny because I think it's better inside." Alex Walsh "When a man goes on a date, he wonders if he is going to get lucky. A woman already knows." Frederike Ryder "You know that look women get when they want sex? Me, neither." Drew Carey It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married. Matt Barry "I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty." George Burns "Of the delights of this world, man cares most for sexual intercourse, yet he has left it out of his heaven." Mark Twain "The only difference between friends and lovers is about four minutes." Scott Roeben "When authorities warn you of the sinfulness of sex, there is an important lesson to be learned. Do not have sex with the authorities." Matt Groening "An intellectual is a person who's found one thing that's more interesting than sex." Aldous Huxley "Is it not strange that desire should so many years outlive performance?" Shakespeare "I used to be Snow White, but I drifted." Mae West "The ability to make love frivolously is the chief characteristic which distinguishes human beings from the beasts." Heywood Broun "Nothing risqué, nothing gained." Alexander Woolcott "Those who restrain desire, do so because theirs is weak enough to be restrained." William Blake "The prettiest dresses are worn to be taken off." Jean Cocteau "You sleep with a guy once and before you know it he wants to take you to dinner." Myers Yori "Chastity is curable, if detected early." Anonymous "Great food is like great sex-the more you have the more you want." Gael Greene "To err is human, but it feels divine." Mae West "Marriage has many pains, but celibacy has no pleasures." Samuel Johnson "Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy." Groucho Marx "I want to tell you a terrific story about oral contraception. I asked this girl to sleep with me and she said 'no.'" Woody Allen "If it is not erotic, it is not interesting." Fernando Arrabal "Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there's nothing exactly like it." W.C. Fields "In America, sex is an obsession; in other parts of the world it is a fact." Marlene Dietrich "Personally I know nothing about sex because I have always been married." Zsa Zsa Gabor "I regret to say that we of the FBI are powerless to act in cases of oral-genital intimacy, unless it has in some way obstructed interstate commerce." J. Edgar Hoover "The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting." Gloria Leonard "If the world were a logical place, men would ride side saddle." Rita Mae Brown "Love is the answer; but while you're waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions." Woody Allen "Losing my virginity was a career move." Madonna "Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got." Sophia Loren "Flirting is the act of making a man feel pleased with himself." Helen Rowland "When choosing between evils, I always like to take the one I've never tried before." Mae West "Her kisses left something to be desired—the rest of her." Anonymous "I'd like to meet the man who invented sex and see what he's working on now." Anonymous "Sex is the poor man's polo." Clifford Odets "It's the good girls that keep the diaries. The bad girls never have the time." Tallulah Bankhead "The penis mightier than the sword." Mark Twain "To succeed with the opposite sex, tell her you're impotent. She can't wait to disprove it." Cary Grant "I'm a terrible lover. I've actually given a woman an anti-climax." Scott Roeben "If God had intended us not to masturbate, he would have made our arms shorter." George Carlin "I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror placed over my kitchen table." Rodney Dangerfield "Sex between a man and a woman can be wonderful—provided you get between the right man and the right woman." Woody Allen "Too much of a good thing can be wonderful." Mae West "My wife is a sex object. Every time I ask for sex, she objects." Les Dawson "I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own." Woody Allen "My best birth control now is to leave the lights on." Joan Rivers "My love life is terrible. The last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue of Liberty." Woody Allen "I chased a girl for two years only to discover that her tastes were exactly like mine: We were both crazy about girls." Groucho Marx "My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex quite so often." Emo Philips "You know of course that the Tasmanians, who never committed adultery, are now extinct." Somerset Maugham "A nymphomaniac is a women as obsessed with sex as the average man." Mignon McLaughlin "I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic." Woody Allen "There are a number of mechanical devices that increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief amongst these is the Mercedes-Benz 380L convertible." P.J. O'Rourke "What's the three words you never want to hear while making love? Honey, I'm home." Ken Hammond "Sex is God's joke on human beings." Bette Davis "There is nothing wrong with making love with the light on. Just make sure the car door is closed." George Burns "You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things, like being spanked every day by a middle aged woman—stuff you pay good money for in later life." Emo Philips "I am always looking for meaningful one night stands." Dudley Moore "Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go it's a pretty good one." Woody Allen "As a lover, I'm about as impressive as a magician on the radio." Scott Roeben "The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money costs less." Brendan Francis "My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself." Emo Philips "Fifty percent of the women in this country are not having orgasms. If that were true of the male population, it would be declared a national emergency." Margo St. James "I kissed my first girl and smoked my first cigarette on the same day. I haven't had time for tobacco since." Arturo Toscanini "Lead me not into temptation-I can find the way myself." Rita Mae Brown "Isn't it interesting how the sounds are the same for an awful nightmare and great sex?" Rue McClanahan "There we were in the middle of a sexual revolution wearing clothes that guaranteed we wouldn't get laid." Denis Leary "To hear many religious people talk, one would think God created the torso, head, legs and arms, but the devil slapped on the genitals." Don Schrader "Brevity is the soul of lingerie." Dorothy Parker "I don't like sex on television. I keep falling off." Saul Feldman "Ah, yes, divorce-from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet." Robin Williams "Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place." Billy Crystal "I have seen the ads for the Wonder Bra. Is that really a problem in this country? Men not paying enough attention to women's breasts?" Hugh Grant "The difference between sex and love is that sex relieves tension and love causes it." Woody Allen "The only reason that I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again." Erma Bombeck "Sex drive—a physical craving that begins in adolescence and ends at marriage." Robert Byrne "The reason people sweat is so they won't catch fire when making love." Don Rose "A dirty book is rarely dusty." Anon. "Literature is mostly about having sex and not much about having children; life is the other way around." David Lodge "Familiarity breeds contempt--and children." Mark Twain "It is not economical to go to bed early to save the candles if the result is twins." Chinese Proverb "Sex at age ninety is like trying to shoot pool with a rope." George Burns "I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table." Rodney Dangerfield "I've been around so long, I knew Doris Day before she was a virgin." Groucho Marx "My father told me all about the birds and the bees--the liar. I went steady with a woodpecker till I was twenty-one" Bob Hope "I know nothing about sex, because I was always married." Zsa Zsa Gabor "Anticipation makes the hard-on longer." Itsby Stevintary "The difference between light and hard is that you can sleep with a light on." Anon "A promiscuous person is a person who is getting more sex than you are." Victor Lownes "A nymphomaniac is someone who has more sex than you do." Alfred Kinsey "Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man." Mignon McLaughlin "A student undergoing a word-association test was asked why a snowstorm put him in mind of sex. He replied frankly: 'because everything does.'" Honor Tracy "Sex. In America an obsession. In other parts of the world a fact." Marlene Dietrich "Men are those creatures with two legs and eight hands." Jayne Mansfield "Chastity: The most unnatural of the sexual perversions." Aldous Huxley "Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time. Anon "Kinky is using a feather. Perverted is using the whole chicken." Anon "I'm all for bringing back the birch, but only between consenting adults." Gore Vidal "There is nothing wrong with going to bed with someone of your own sex. People should be very free with sex--they should draw the line at goats." Elton John "My girlfriend said to me in bed last night: 'you're a pervert.' I said, 'That's a big word for a girl of nine.'" Emo Philips "Sex on television can't hurt you, unless you fall off." Anon "Were kisses all the joys in bed, One woman would another wed." William Shakespeare "He in a few minutes ravished this fair creature, or at least would have ravished her, if she had not, by a timely compliance, prevented him." Henry Fielding "I once knew a woman who offered her honor So I honored her offer And all night long I was on her and off her." Anon "Nothing risqué, nothing gained." Alexander Woollcott "Be naughty--save Santa a trip. Anon "I think I could fall madly in bed with you." Anon "When a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 a minute." Anon "The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs less." Brendan Francis "Sex: the pleasure is momentary, the position ridiculous, and the expense damnable." Lord Chesterfield "Sex: the thing that takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble." John Barrymore "When a guy goes to a hooker, he's not paying her for sex, he's paying her to leave." Anon "Vanity, revenge, loneliness, boredom, all apply: lust is one of the least of the reasons for promiscuity." Mignon McLaughlin "An intellectual is a person who's found one thing that's more interesting than sex." Aldous Huxley "There's nothing better than good sex. But bad sex? A peanut butter and jelly sandwich is better than bad sex." Billy Joel "Masturbation: the primary sexual activity of mankind. In the nineteenth century it was a disease; in the twentieth, it's a cure." Thomas Szasz "We have reason to believe that man first walked upright to free his hands for masturbation." Lily Tomlin "The good thing about masturbation is that you don't have to get dressed up for it." Truman Capote "How lucky we are that we can reach our genitals instead of that spot on our back that itches." Flash Rosenberg "Life in Lubbock, Texas taught me two things: One is that God loves you and you're going to burn in hell. The other is that sex is the most awful, filthy thing on earth, and you should save it for someone you love." Butch Hancock "Why should we take advice on sex from the pope? If he knows anything about it, he shouldn't! George Bernard Shaw "I thank God I was raised Catholic, so sex will always be dirty." John Waters "Men reach their sexual peak at eighteen. Women reach theirs at thirty-five. Do you get the feeling that God is playing a practical joke?" Rita Rudner "The only thing wrong with being an atheist is that there's nobody to talk to during an orgasm." Anon "For women the best aphrodisiacs are words. The G-spot is in the ears. He who looks for it below there is wasting his time." Isabel Allende "I think men talk to women so they can sleep with them and women sleep with men so they can talk to them." Jay McInerney "Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place." Billy Crystal "Desire is in men a hunger, in women only an appetite." Mignon McLaughlin "Among men, sex sometimes results in intimacy; among women, intimacy sometimes results in sex." Barbara Cartland "My wife is a sex object--every time I ask for sex, she objects." Les Dawson "What's the three words you never want to hear while making love? 'Honey, I'm home!'" Ken Hammond "You know that look women get when they want sex? . . . Me neither." Steve Martin "To succeed with the opposite sex, tell her you're impotent. She can't wait to disprove it." Cary Grant "When authorities warn you of the sinfulness of sex, there is an important lesson to be learned. Do not have sex with the authorities." Matt Groening "I regret to say that we of the FBI are powerless to act in cases of oral-genital intimacy, unless it has in some way obstructed interstate commerce." J. Edgar Hoover "Obscenity is whatever gives the Judge an erection." Anon "Pornography: That which excites, whether from approval or disapproval." Leonard Rossiter "My reaction to porn films is as follows: After the first ten minutes, I want to go home and screw. After the first 20 minutes, I never want to screw again as long as I live." Erica Jong "The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting." Gloria Leonard "What's the difference between art and pornography? . . . a government grant! Peter Griffin "Pornography is literature designed to be read with one hand." Angela Lambert "Pornography is in the loin of the beholder." Charles Rembar "Pornography is supposed to arouse sexual desires. If pornography is a crime, when will they arrest makers of perfume?" Richard Fleischer "There are three possible parts to a date, of which at least two must be offered: entertainment, food, and affection. It is customary to begin a series of dates with a great deal of entertainment, a moderate amount of food, and the merest suggestion of affection. As the amount of affection increases, the entertainment can be reduced proportionately. When the affection is the entertainment, we no longer call it dating. Under no circumstances can the food be omitted." Judith Martin, in Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior "My brain: it's my second favorite organ." Woody Allen "Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand." Woody Allen "Sex relieves tension--love causes it." Woody Allen "Sex between a man and a woman can be absolutely wonderful--provided you get between the right man and the right woman." Woody Allen "Remember, if you smoke after sex you're doing it too fast." Woody Allen "Is sex dirty? Only if it's done right." Woody Allen "My love life is terrible. The last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue of Liberty." Woody Allen [On bisexuality]: "It immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night." Woody Allen "Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go it's one of the best." Woody Allen "Love is the answer, but while you're waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions." Woody Allen Sex is a part of nature. I go along with nature. Marilyn Monroe A liberated woman is one who has sex before marriage and a job after. Gloria Steinem Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go it’s pretty damn good. Woody Allen In my sex fantasy, nobody ever loves me for my mind. Nora Ephron I like threesomes with two women, not because I’m a cynical sexual predator. Oh no! But because I’m a romantic. I’m looking for “The One.” And I’ll find her more quickly if I audition two at a time. Russell Brand Sex is more exciting on the screen and between the pages than between the sheets. Andy Warhol I’m a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone’s life. Mitch Hedberg Women are systematically degraded by receiving the trivial attentions which men think it manly to pay to the sex, when, in fact, men are insultingly supporting their own superiority. Mary Wollstonecraft To have her here in bed with me, breathing on me, her hair in my mouth — I count that something of a miracle. Henry Miller Sex is… perfectly natural. It’s something that’s pleasurable. It’s enjoyable and it enhances a relationship. So why don’t we learn as much as we can about it and become comfortable with ourselves as sexual human beings because we are all sexual? Sue Johanson If you’re going to have sex, use a condom. Dennis Rodman Sex lies at the root of life, and we can never learn to reverence life until we know how to understand sex. Havelock Ellis Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. “Yes” is the answer. Swami X I remember the first time I had sex — I kept the receipt. Groucho Marx Sex is as important as eating or drinking and we ought to allow the one appetite to be satisfied with as little restraint or false modesty as the other. Marquis de Sade There is nothing wrong with going to bed with someone of your own sex. People should be very free with sex, they should draw the line at goats. Elton John I am always looking for meaningful one night stands. Dudley Moore My wife is a sex object. Every time I ask for sex, she objects. Les Dawson If you’re having your period, come on over. I’m 41. I’ll fuck the shit out of you. I’ll drink the blood. Let’s party. Louis C.K. Everything in the world is about sex except sex. Sex is about power. Oscar Wilde Sex is always about emotions. Good sex is about free emotions; bad sex is about blocked emotions. Deepak Chopra Boys and girls in America have such a sad time together; sophistication demands that they submit to sex immediately without proper preliminary talk. Not courting talk — real straight talk about souls, for life is holy and every moment is precious. Jack Kerouac The way you make love is the way God will be with you. Rumi I think it is funny that we were freer about sexuality in the 4th century B.C. It is a little disconcerting. Angelina Jolie Publishing a sophisticated men’s magazine seemed to me the best possible way of fulfilling a dream I’d been nurturing ever since I was a teenager: to get laid a lot. Hugh Hefner The natural thing, my lord, men and women joined. Homer The anthropologist Margaret Mead concluded in 1948, after observing seven different ethnic groups in the Pacific Islands, that different cultures made different forms of female sexual experience seem normal and desirable. The capacity for orgasm in women, she found, is a learned response, which a given culture can help or can fail to help its women to develop. Naomi Wolf So she thoroughly taught him that one cannot take pleasure without giving pleasure, and that every gesture, every caress, every touch, every glance, every last bit of the body has its secret, which brings happiness to the person who knows how to wake it. She taught him that after a celebration of love the lovers should not part without admiring each other, without being conquered or having conquered, so that neither is bleak or glutted or has the bad feeling of being used or misused. Herman Hesse Copulation is no more foul to me than death is. Walt Whitman Women who love women are Lesbians. Men, because they can only think of women in sexual terms, define Lesbian as sex between women. Rita Mae Brown Boys have penises and girls have vaginas. If they touch at the wrong time, you can make a baby or die. Eugene Mirman Sex is not a mechanical act that fails for lack of technique, and it is not a performance by the male for the audience of the female; it is a continuum of attraction that extends from the simplest conversation and the most innocent touching through the act of coitus. Garrison Keillor Skiing is better than sex actually, because for me a good round of sex might be seven minutes. Skiing you can do for seven hours. Spalding Gray The only deep emotion I occasionally felt in these affairs was gratitude, when all was going well and I was left, not only peace, but freedom to come and go — never kinder and gayer with one woman than when I had just left another’s bed, as if I extended to all others the debt I had just contracted toward one of them. Albert Camus I would rather have a cup of tea than sex. Boy George If I’m not interested in a woman, I’m straight-forward. Right after sex, I usually say, “I can’t do this anymore. Thanks for coming over!” Vince Vaughn Everything is about sex, and that’s fine for me. I’m not saying I don’t like it. But I don’t think it should be everywhere, where kids are exposed to everything sexual. Because they have to have some innocence; there’s just no innocence left. Ellen DeGeneres The only unnatural sex act is that which you cannot perform. Alfred Kinsey Kids. They’re not easy. But there has to be some penalty for sex. Bill Maher Sex is great until you die, but it’s never as great as it was when you were a kid, when it was a mystery. David Duchovny It’s been so long since I’ve had sex I’ve forgotten who ties up whom. Joan Rivers I am not saying renounce sex, I am saying transform it. It need not remain just biological: bring some spirituality to it. While making love, meditate too. While making love, be prayerful. Love should not be just a physical act; pour your soul into it. Osho We demand that sex speak the truth [...] and we demand that it tell us our truth, or rather, the deeply buried truth of that truth about ourselves wich we think we possess in our immediate consciousness. Michel Foucault Later I would come to believe that erotic ties were all a spell, a temporary psychosis, even a kind of violence, or at least they coexisted with these states. Lorrie Moore If you want romance, fuck a journalist. W.H. Auden Catholics have more extreme sex lives because they’re taught that pleasure is bad for you. Who thinks it’s normal to kneel down to a naked man who’s nailed to a cross? It’s like a bad leather bar. John Waters The sexual embrace can only be compared with music and with prayer. Marcus Aurelius Carnal embrace is sexual congress, which is the insertion of the male genital organ into the female genital organ for purposes of procreation and pleasure. Fermat’s last theorem, by contrast, asserts that when x, y and z are whole numbers each raised to power of n, the sum of the first two can never equal the third when n is greater than 2. Tom Stoppard It was she made me acquainted with love. She went by the peaceful name of Ruth I think, but I can’t say for certain. Perhaps the name was Edith. She had a hole between her legs, oh not the bunghole I had always imagined, but a slit, and in this I put, or rather she put, my so-called virile member, not without difficulty, and I toiled and moiled until I discharged or gave up trying or was begged by her to stop. A mug’s game in my opinion and tiring on top of that, in the long run. But I lent myself to it with a good enough grace, knowing it was love, for she had told me so. She bent over the couch, because of her rheumatism, and in I went from behind. It was the only position she could bear, because of her lumbago. It seemed all right to me, for I had seen dogs, and I was astonished when she confided that you could go about it differently. I wonder what she meant exactly. Perhaps after all she put me in her rectum. A matter of complete indifference to me, I needn’t tell you. But is it true love, in the rectum? Samuel Beckett I write about sex because often it feels like the most important thing in the world. Jeanette Winterston Goodnight, my little farting Nora, my dirty little fuckbird! There is one lovely word, darling, you have underlined to make me pull myself off better. Write me more about that and yourself, sweetly, dirtier, dirtier. James Joyce No, I am not interested in women or sex or anything. Jonny Greenwood There’s no sex in Middle Earth. Ian McKellen To succeed with the opposite sex, tell her you’re impotent. She can’t wait to disprove it. Cary Grant I have always been principally interested in men for sex. I’ve always thought any sane woman would be a lover of women because loving men is such a mess. I have always wished I’d fall in love with a woman. Damn. Germaine Greer My mom is going to kill me for talking about sleeping with people. But I don’t want to put myself in the position where I’m in a monogamous relationship right now. I’m not dating just one person. Sex and the City changed everything for me because those girls would sleep with so many people. Lindsay Lohan If you want to get laid, go to college. If you want an education, go to the library. Frank Zappa But when a woman decides to sleep with a man, there is no wall she will not scale, no fortress she will not destroy, no moral consideration she will not ignore at its very root: there is no God worth worrying about. Gabriel García Márquez Books are finite, sexual encounters are finite, but the desire to read and to fuck is infinite; it surpasses our own deaths, our fears, our hopes for peace. Roberto Bolaño I went to Catholic school and they basically just said don’t have sex, but would never explain anything. Khloe Kardashian You can’t talk about fucking in America, people say you’re dirty. But if you talk about killing somebody, that’s cool. Richard Pryor I’m all for bringing back the birch, but only between consenting adults. Gore Vidal A man is basically as faithful as his options. Chris Rock Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place. Billy Crystal There is more to sex appeal than just measurements. I don’t need a bedroom to prove my womanliness. I can convey just as much sex appeal, picking apples off a tree or standing in the rain. Audrey Hepburn Fuck! Is one expected to be a gentleman when one is stiff? Marquis de Sade